The Overwhelming Truth About Caring For An Aging Narcissist
Emotional peril awaits the caregiver
You’ve considered cutting them out of your life, but you were raised to take care of your parents in their old age. But they’re driving you bonkers!
Caring for our parents as they age is hard enough, but when one of them is a narcissist, your life is a thousand times more difficult. You bend over backwards to take care of them, do whatever you can to make them happy, but do you ever get any acknowledgement or gratitude? Nope. Not without being prompted anyway. You could work from sun up to sun down for their benefit, and instead of “Thanks!” what you hear is, “But did you do…?” (insert some other job here). I know exactly how this cuts and wounds. My stepfather is a classic narcissist.
According to the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, narcissism is a “specific set of impairments in one’s identity and interpersonal functioning…” Put more plainly, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self and their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists frequently also have some other mental health issues such as substance abuse issues or other personality disorders. My dad smokes 2 packs a day, inside, and doesn’t care that it’s hurting the rest of the family, including the dog who has a skin allergy to nicotine. Dad doesn’t care that 3 of us have asthma, or that my mother is having a difficult enough time breathing that she needs oxygen once a week. Nope. It’s his house and he’ll damn well smoke inside if he wants! He even went so far once, in the middle of trying to explain to him how much he’s harming the family, of accusing me of “elder abuse and harassment” and threatened to call the police on me.
I laughed, dialed the number, then handed him the phone.
I’ve struggled for years to understand my dad, but as he’s aged, and not well, at that, the turmoil has only increased. He has no interest in improving his health, goes on at great length about “it’s a good day to die”, but then fought strenuously against setting up power of attorney and a will. Last year, a friend with a background in psychology listened to me vent and then asked if dad had always been narcissistic. Her simple question stopped me in my tracks. I plunged down a rabbit hole of research and it didn’t take long to learn that my dad was the classic example of a narcissist.
How can you recognize a narcissist?
- They want everything to be about them. The conversation, where they shop and when they go, and even the route they take.
- They blame others for their actions. (My dad has turned this into an artform after starting an expensive and damaging brushfire and rolling a vehicle off the road. To this day, he still swears neither of those events, years apart, were his fault, even though he was directly in control of both and completely alone for the second)
- They manipulate others into feeling bad for not doing what they want, when they want.
- Using others to attain personal gain.
- Belittling others in private but presenting as charming when out in “public”.
- Using others to do things they don’t want to do
There are more signs, of course, these are just some of the markers.
All of this is bad enough, but when you’re the caregiver of a narcissistic parent, everything feels 100 times more fraught with emotional baggage. And it is.
Meredith Resnick, LCSW and author of ‘When Your Parent Is a Narcissist’ cautions that taking care of a narcissistic family member can be emotionally difficult. She advises the best option is to avoid being baited into a confrontation. Examine what you’re trying to achieve. If the issue is a minor one, it might be best to let the issue go and cede the “victory” to your parent. If the issue is a major one though, such as their health or the formation of a will, find a way to align your goal with their own interests. For example, refusing to see their doctor to get a refill because they think their doctor is a quack. Remind them that by not taking their medications, their health will suffer to the point that they won’t have any option but to see their quack which of course can be avoided by taking control of their health in the first place.
(Note, I know it’s not a great example, but I hope you get the idea of the approach you could adopt to minimize the argument and confrontation).
Laura Thomas. Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist who helps clients with a variety of mental health issues. She offers three recommendations for caregivers;
- Get respite care, maintain your social life and engage in activities that rejuvenate you. This will prevent caregiver burnout.
- Work with a mental health professional to help you sort through your feelings and find tools you need to recognize and cope with emotional blackmail.
- Set personal limits on how much contact you’re willing to have and stick to your boundaries. (This one can be difficult!)
Remember, you cannot control a narcissist, only your own responses and emotions. You and your health are important. If the situation becomes so combative and emotionally harrowing — walk away. Seek out a mental health professional for your own good. You are worth it!
You can find more information at choosingtherapy.com
